Fake news and commentary, published from Scotland
News and events for local people.
A Helensburgh resident got in touch to voice his disappointment with Helensburgh’s Gala Day & Dog Show held in August, calling it “a poor choice of venue.” “For a start, I had no idea how they were going to cram everything in.” A local man, Arthur (59) told us. “But I like to support these […]
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Since Helensburgh’s new leisure centre opened in September 2022, regular patrons will by now be accustomed to the regular shouty aquatic torture classes that take place within. One local woman, who asked to be called H, decided against persevering with the new pool’s cauldron of noise and instead persevered with open water swimming during the […]
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Local group, Argyle and Bute Citizens Demanding Extra Funding for Grass in Helensburgh, are said to be “over the moon” at the number of residents who believe the pierhead site should be developed for leisure. “The response from the 10% of residents who could be arsed to complete the online survey clearly shows that over […]
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Although the long-awaited leisure centre is now open, works continue on the Helensburgh Waterfront Development project in the form of resurfacing of the pier. Due to this there has been no public access to the pier since early September, much to the frustration of local photographers. We were contacted by one local shutterbug who told […]
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A think-tank embedded within Helensburgh Community Council has recommended that “slug lanes” are the way forward during the autumn slug surge. Dedicated slug lanes have been created on the footpath that runs up the east side of Sinclair Street. A council spokesperson told us that the lanes will facilitate safe passage of slugs in both […]
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The Dapper Dug, Helensburgh’s newest and most recently closed pub, has potentially set a new record for the shortest opening to closure period ever. After numerous delays, the gastro pub finally opened on James Street in mid June 2022. Occupying the building that was originally a cinema before it became a snooker club and amusement […]
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With Helensburgh evidently being the town where streets have no name, the ‘Adviser reached out to representatives for Irish rock band U2 for comment on the obvious parallels between the town and their song “Where the streets have no name.” Although Bono and Edge were unavailable, a spokesperson for the band commented that Helensburgh’s faded […]
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A recent post on the Facebook group Angry, Opinionated People of Helensburgh noting the filthy state of pavements has seemingly betrayed everything locals thought they knew to be true regarding how they have been kept clean in the past. A few misguided residents were certain they could remember a time when Argyll and Bute Council […]
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Argyll & Bute Council have recommended that seagulls should continue to remain 2 metres apart despite the phased easing of lockdown elsewhere in Scotland. In a statement published online, Councillor Ellen Morton confirmed that despite the continuing fine weather it was more important than ever for seagulls to remain disciplined. “I know it’s been a […]
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A cowardly delinquent defaced the cenotaph wall at Hermitage Park in a poorly executed defamation attempt just days before Remembrance Sunday.
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