Vandal Land logo over a picture of Hermitage Park

Theme park magnate in Hermitage Park bid

Local News Parks

The recently rejuvenated park is under consideration as the site of a new venture with the potential to generate thousands in “delinquent tourism” money.

“We’ve been looking for the ideal site in Scotland for some time.” A Vandal Land spokesman told the ‘Adviser, “Hermitage Park is virtually perfect. Close to local amenities and transport infrastructure, with two stations and town centre bus stops just a short walk away. Better still, every day a hard-working team of volunteers prepares the park for an evening’s thoughtless destruction and it’s that symbiotic relationship we can capitalise on.”

It’s clear why the park is an attractive proposition to the investors behind Vandal Land theme parks. Despite the vision and toil of volunteers to restore the public space to its former glory, the revamped Hermitage Park has failed to shake off its longstanding problem of being a ned magnet.

Whether the kids claim they’re in the KYB or are just random, disrespectful, poorly-raised crotch goblins, the park has a long history of attracting cowardly youths intent on trashing the place out of sight of the public eye.

Cash for crimes

In financial details released to the press, Vandal Land announced that they expected to monetise the venture by way of a smartphone app that patrons can use to maximise their evening’s activities.

Vandal Land claimed their app will offer deals for local food outlets, recommend suitable locations to litter in the park, as well as marking escape routes in the rare event that a disinterested police officer might respond to the concerns of the public.

“Our forthcoming app, Vandlr, will enable our users to organise an itinerary of exciting pursuits within Vandal Land resorts. In the palm of their hands, kids will see ideal locations to partake in, say, graffiti, pulling up saplings, damaging playground equipment, fire-raising or any number of other spiteful distractions they can fit into an evening. The fact this park is laughably close to an under-staffed, part-time police station isn’t expected to affect our business model.”

Whilst everyone else in the Helensburgh & Lomond area is distracted by that Flamingo Land application, our dedicated staff at the Helensburgh Adviser will be keeping a close eye on developments related to Vandal Land.

An earlier version of this story suggested that Vandal Land was a “conglomerate”. It was brought to our attention that Vandal Land is the wholly-owned enterprise of the entrepreneur, Apollo Van Dal. The Helensburgh Adviser is happy to make the correction and set the record straight.